we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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