My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
