So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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