You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
