toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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