Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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