I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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