so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
