I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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