you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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