So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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