He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
