My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
