Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
