we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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