I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
