I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
