you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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