who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
