Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
