I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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