you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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