I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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