Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
