theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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