I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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