apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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