some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My feet surprised me
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