hell yes lets make some ravioli
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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