I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
