I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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