someone owes me an orgasm
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
