In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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