I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
