maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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