I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
