Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
