He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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