Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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