note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
