the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
