She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
