I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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