take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
