if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
