Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
