if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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