Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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