i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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