booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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