How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
